So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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