On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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