I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
