I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize