I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize