In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
