My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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