I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
