The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My ass is underappreciated
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
