If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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