WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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