I'm so fucking centered right now
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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