I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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