I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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