My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
