It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
