I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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