for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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