I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
