think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
