You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Randomize
