We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize