i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
