just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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