She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
