she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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