I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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