so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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