highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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