fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
