She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
