I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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