hotel room ftw
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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