i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
