I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
