Sry I called you an 8
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
