We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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