tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
