Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize