Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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