I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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