I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
