similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
