Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize