Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
