did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
