she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
