Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
