i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize