and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
