I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
farters have to be the big spoon...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
