I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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