Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
