Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
