all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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