New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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