Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
