New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
