I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
